Tightness. Fast heart rate. Rapid breathing. That all too familiar feeling of anxiety. Over the past few weeks it comes on, out of nowhere, every time I think about the fall. Every...time.
As a mom and a teacher I have a million mixed up feelings, thoughts, concerns racing through my mind.
First, I miss my students. I miss engaging with high school students. I miss the school atmosphere. I miss my co-workers. I miss the smell of my building, which is quite odd because it doesn't really smell all that great. I just miss being there. I love my job.
But part of me is afraid. Afraid to go back. Afraid for my co-workers, my students, myself. That part of me is growing every day.
Second, I am a mom. My kids miss school. They can't wait to go back. They talk about it all the time. At dinner the other night my almost 6 year old asked me how she will clean the toys after she plays with them so another student can play with it. She has been super observant during all of this covid mess. And we had to explain she would likely not be playing with any shared toys. My heart sunk.
Third, I am disappointed in what the school experience is going to be like for my kids. Entering kindergarten is a milestone. One my daughter has been talking about for as long as she could talk. And this will be nothing like kindergarten years past. Her experience will be memorable, but probably not for all the reasons it usually is.
Then there are the masks. I don't want my kids to wear masks all day. But, I also don't want them to not wear masks. My oldest is pretty good about wearing hers for short periods of time. She does great in the grocery store or in church. But my middle, my sweet and stubborn 4 year old eats her’s. Chews on it. It’s gross. It probably provides zero protection.
And of course there is the uncertainty of everything. And the constant contradictions on every single topic involving “the sickness” as my kids call it.
For every research study that says masks are helpful, is a counter one that says they are not.
For every research study that says that masks are safe to wear all day, is one that says they are not.
For every medical professional saying they are completely comfortable with their child returning to school, there is one who is not and adamantly keeping them home.
If the medical community, the experts can’t agree-how are we as parents and educators supposed to make decisions?
There is no perfect scenario. No right answer. It’s all opinion.
And it all creates anxiety. So much anxiety.
And anger-people are being so ugly to each other lately. It is hard for me hear.
I believe as parents we want what is best for our kids. And educators we want what is best for our students.
But, as educators that are parents, we also want to be alive to raise our children.
There is no consensus anywhere on anything when it comes to COVID-19, other than it has turned the world up-side-down.
In these moments of anxiety, I am helpless. I can’t make it go away. I can’t make any of this better. I can’t fix this for my kids, myself or my family.
All I can do in these moments is stop. Stop what I am doing. Be Still. And pray.
I don’t know what is going to happen in the coming weeks or months. But I do know God is faithful. I know He loves us. I know He has a plan.
I simply need to just pray to him for peace, for stronger trust and faith in His power.
His power can calm the anxiety. Center me. Bring me back from the brink. These moments-though awful-remind me how little control I have and how much I need Him. How much I need God. How I can’t do any of this life on my own.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I serve a God who does. I simply need to trust in that alone as I move forward into uncertainty.
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