I find myself mesmerized as I gaze at her sweet face as she snuggles into bed. Hair is a mess and her pjs probably don’t match.   Might even be on backwards, inside out or both.   She has a style all her own.   My middle child.   Did I plan her?   Nope.   Had I followed my plan, I would have missed out on the gift of being her mother.   Lucky for me, God had a different plan.   After I had my first child, I WAS DONE.   To say my pregnancy was challenging is an understatement.   And pregnancy was easy in comparison to my delivery.   Without providing the terrifying details and risking traumatizing new moms to be, I will simply say there was nothing typical about it.   It wasn’t so much that I didn’t want more children, as much as I didn’t want to go through any of that again.   So, I had successfully convinced myself that one child was all I was going to have. Right before Ellyana’s first birthday my hubby approached the subject of another baby.   I kindly humored him and told him

All 3 kids breakfast, teeth and hair, dressed. Ready for the day. “Where did all this marker come from? How did you get a marker?” Zoom meeting! Crap, my comput er is still updating. Text teacher. Apologize. Only five minutes late to zooming. I’ll throw in a quick load of laundry. There is a load in the dryer. Just fluff it. How did my kids make two loads of laundry in 2 days? “Mom, I just peed my pants on my zoom meeting.” Add to the laundry pile. “How are you covered in glue? It wasn’t even your art project!” “What do you want sweetie? Do you want Frozen?” “Let it goooooo, Let it goooooo.” “Ok, Frozen it is!” That will keep her occupied for 5 minutes. “Up, mommy.” Or 30 seconds. “No, down. Let it gooooooooooo. Let it goooooooo.” “No, mommy, up, up. Up. UP!!!!” “Down mommy!” “Up, up.” Dryer beeps. I’ll just turn it back on for a minute. “Why are you so cranky and drooly?” “Oh you’re teething.” “Eat, Eat?” Is it time for a snack? Seriously, lunch time! Already? What do we have. Quick.

Somedays I’m a Rockstar, Pinterest mom…somedays. Crafts, experiments, baking…from… scratch .  House clean and organized.  Laundry done...and put away.  Drink my coffee HOT.  Ok, ok…it’s lukewarm.  You get the picture.  Then, well, there are days when reality hits. I’m more like the “nailed it” version of Pinterest mom.  Kids in their pjs.  Maybe put deodorant on. Toddler is eating food off the floor.  Hope the food was from today.  Still in my pajamas. Let’s be honest, right now, is anyone seriously putting on real clothes…everyday?  We won’t be discussing the house or those piles of laundry. It’s all about balance, right?   Every day, I thank our Heavenly Father for my family, but somedays, it’s HARD.  Right now, this, this 24/7 quarantine thing, is even harder.  God tells us that we are supposed to rely on Him first.  But in Rockstar moments, I give myself too much credit and start to rely on God less.  Recently, my week started off in absolute Rockstar status.  Girls were

May 3 is Bereaved Mothers Day. I am one of the those mothers. On November 8, 2017 I miscarried what would have been our 3 rd child at that time. I wrote this letter a few short weeks after our loss; before I became pregnant with our 4 th pregnancy, our little spunky Adaline. Writing a letter was suggested to me as a way to grieve and start the healing process. I share this today to hopefully provide solidarity to other mothers who have lost a baby, as well as raise awareness. 1 in 4 women will experience a loss This letter was not intended to be shared.  It is raw, rough, and probably has some grammatical errors.  It was written through tears. To all the mothers out there who are missing a baby from their arms…I see you. I feel your pain. You are not alone. Dear baby never meant to be, I don’t know where to begin with this, so I guess I’ll just start at the beginning.  I was in shock when those two pink lines appeared.  I didn’t think it was possible.  The first possible