I sit down on the couch next to my 5 year old, with tears in my eyes. I look her in the eyes and say “I’m sorry.” She immediately says “I forgive you.” We discuss what happened then we both say I love you and back to playing she goes.
I don’t always get it right. I don’t handle every situation correctly. Sometimes, I yell. I yell more than I would like to admit. Sometimes, I can't handle all the noise. Sometimes, my immediate reaction to misbehavior isn’t what it should be.
I am not a perfect parent. I screw up all the time. My kids are not perfect kids. But who is perfect? God. God is perfect.
Growing up I didn’t have the best role models for how to handle discipline.
I was a well behaved child. I obeyed. But my obedience was out of fear, not respect, love or the desire to do the right thing.
I can recall specific situations, moments from as far back as age 4 or 5. The age my two oldest children are now. Punishments that made no sense. Being punished for being a kid. Punishments I felt I didn’t deserve, that I still don’t feel I deserved. At times I didn't know something I did or said was wrong until I was in trouble.
No discussion, explanation, chance to do better-just punishment.
By age 11 or 12 I learned that being honest or asking questions only got me into more trouble, so I often made up the “lesson learned” to end my grounding.
Every once in awhile I hear things come out of my mouth and I cringe. Trying to erase what was ingrained in you for 18 years is hard. What feels like a natural response at times is not the correct one.
The words used helped shape my concept of self. I clearly understood what was wrong with me at a young age. Many of those words still linger in my head.
I don’t want that for my children. I don’t want them to have a laundry list of their failures and only see themselves through that lens that was painted for them.
I don’t ever remember hearing “I am sorry” growing up.
I teach my kids the importance of apologizing when they do something wrong. So in these moments when I handle the situation wrong, I apologize.
Kids hear what you say but they believe what you do. They learn more from your actions than your words.
It is even more important for my kids to know that I know that I am not perfect. That I make mistakes. That I am able to own those mistakes.
I will never be a perfect parent. I will screw up again, probably tomorrow. I want my kids to know that I respect them enough to offer an apology when I am wrong. That they are worthy of a sincere apology.
The good news in all of this is that I am not alone. God is with me. And God loves me even when I screw up. And I make sure they know that I love them, even when they make a poor choice. And God still loves them too.
With God’s help I have to do better, be better.
After all, I am raising arrows.
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